


burning hot through my veins

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [18]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Description of Suicide Attempt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 08:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2725673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermann holds him tighter as Tendo's voice cracks. "You don't have to," he says gently - because this is new territory. For all he's spoken about how he felt and the night leading up to it, Tendo has never actually talked about the attempt itself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	burning hot through my veins

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story contains in-depth description of Tendo’s suicide attempt. If you may be in any way triggered by this, please don’t come near it.

They just don't want to upset him. 

The last thing either Hermann or Newt would ever want to do would be unnecessarily bringing up bad memories and upsetting Tendo. He's been through hell and he's gotten so far past it now and sure, they can discuss it sometimes, but it's not like he's over it. It's always going to be carried with him in some way. He can still get upset by memories and have nightmares and panic attacks. There are still triggers. So why on earth would they threaten that because of mere curiosity?

The answer to that is because Tendo is too damn observant. 

"Alright," Tendo says, sitting across from them, sheer determination on his face. "Go ahead and tell me what it is."

Hermann frowns. "Sorry?"

"There's something you want to know and you're too scared to ask me. I appreciate it but it scares me more not knowing what you're thinking, so please just tell me so I can decide how I feel about talking about it." 

Hermann glances at Newt, who just worries his bottom lip and looks right back at him. He nods tentatively, and Hermann nods back and turns back to Tendo. "You've told us a great deal about that night and the subsequent day," he says, as gentle as he possibly can be, "and there's just one detail that you seem to have missed. Not an important one at all, hence our not asking, but you know what we're like."

Tendo smiles slightly. "I do know. What is it?"

"Who found you?"

Tendo suddenly becomes very interested in his tattoo, tracing along the lines of the core reactor. Hermann knows he's feeling for the scar. "Would you believe me if I said I didn't know?" he asks. "Because I don't. Honestly."

There's a long silence. Hermann looks back to Newt, who is mirroring his confusion. "You don't?" Newt asks. 

"No. I woke up in the hospital the day before you arrived with no idea how I'd gotten there. The last thing I remember before that is -" Tendo stops, swallows hard and closes his eyes. When he opens them, they're full of tears. "Gimme a minute," he says, then quickly stands up and walks out of the room.  

It takes everything Hermann has in him not to go after Tendo - the thought of one of his partners alone and upset is abhorrent to him. But he respects Tendo's request and waits. Hermann knows that no matter how much Tendo opens up to them, there are some hurts he will always carry alone, whether it be that he can't talk about them or simply won't. And they won't ever push him on that.  

Newt squeezes his hand after a few moments, and Hermann returns it without looking at him. "We shouldn't have asked," he murmurs. 

"He wanted us to," Newt reminds him. "It's horrible upsetting him, but we can't coddle and shelter him either. He can make the decision whether to discuss it or not, but it's a decision he's gotta make himself."

Hermann sighs. "I wish I could shelter him - both of you, in fact. The world hurts you both too much."

"Like you get off scot free either," Newt says softly. "We've just gotta look after one another the best we can - and yeah, sometimes we have to ask the hard questions, but that's life. If you boil it all right down and fudge the terminology a bit, all three of us have a medical history that we don't like talking about, but sometimes we have to because we need to know how to look after everybody the best we can. You don't like us knowing the extent of pain and things with your leg, I hate talking about my mental health, and Tendo isn't always great with answering questions about his - his past."

"Rape and suicide attempt," Tendo says quietly from the door. "Use the words. It gives them less power." He walks over to stand in front of them, and while his eyes are slightly damp, he looks put together enough that Hermann doesn't feel quite so worried. "Budge up," Tendo says, smiling a little. "I want hugs." 

He gets them - and with a sense of relief from Newt and Hermann. When Tendo gets too upset by the past, he often can't handle being touched until the memories of revulsion fade a little. This is a good sign. 

"The last thing I remember," Tendo resumes, "is being in a dingy motel room just down the road from where I'd been working. I left everything I owned that wasn't on me and swore I'd never go back. I was sitting in that room and trying to work out what to do and I - I found the knife and just..."

Hermann holds him tighter as Tendo's voice cracks. "You don't have to," he says gently - because this is new territory. For all he's spoken about how he felt and the night leading up to it, Tendo has never actually talked about the attempt itself. 

"Yes I do," Tendo says, his voice barely a murmur. "It's time. Unless you don't want me to -?"

"We're listening," Newt says. "Say whatever you need to."

Tendo nods. For a moment, it seems like it's got the better of him, then he takes a shaky breath and continues. "I found the knife. It was as gross as everything else, rusty and unclean and for awhile I just kinda looked at it. I think I knew what I was gonna do, I just hadn't let myself believe it yet. I knew - or I thought I knew - that there was no other option. And I knew it would hurt but I needed... pain. More pain to take away the other pain and then take me away altogether. Pain wasn't the goal, it was the final hurdle, and once I overcame it, I would be free."

There's another long silence. Hermann closes his eyes against his tears. 

"It hurt," Tendo continues, his voice dropping even quieter. "Oh christ did it hurt. I nearly backed out after the first... but I kept going. Reminded myself that at least it was pain I was inflicting on myself, and it could never hurt more than what they did to me. But god, I don't know how I did it. I think I screamed at one point, so maybe that was what got someone's attention. I remember feeling more alive in what I thought were my final moments than I had all night. I remember the doubt and the guilt and the... the emotions. I know I was talking to people who weren't there. I was telling Stacker and my grandfather and the triplets that I'd be there soon. I - I was apologizing to Newt." 

Newt half chokes back a sob. Hermann, arms still right around Tendo, finds Newt's shoulder and squeezes it hard. He's finding it very difficult to keep his own crying silent too. 

“And I could’ve backed out there too,” Tendo admits. “The thought of those who were still alive was such a temptation… but then I remembered that I would have to live with the memories of being raped, and at that time there was nothing good enough in the world to counteract that. Sorry.”

“As if you owe us a single apology,” Hermann says softly. Newt nods his agreement. 

“So… that’s it," Tendo completes. "Everything went cold and then it went fuzzy and then it went black. And then I woke up hours later in a hospital bed. The only people I saw after that in Sydney apart from hospital staff were you two."

Hermann, with great effort, keeps his voice steady. "The staff never told you who it was?"

"I never asked." Tendo thinks for a bit. "The curtains were open. And I swear, the last thing I remember before it all went dark was someone banging on the door, but I figured I was just being hopeful - except someone clearly found me. So maybe someone saw it happening, or maybe housekeeping came by, though I doubt it based on the state of the place. Maybe I only paid for one night and they came to kick me out. Can't remember. All I know is that someone either saw me trying to kill myself, or someone came in unawares and found me bleeding out on the floor and... well. Do you understand why I made no effort to find out who brought me in?"

Hermann does; at least, the best he can without having experienced it. To face the person who brought him in, to know that they had seen him in that moment, would be too much for Tendo to handle. The guilt he had expressed about Hermann and Newt being flown in was bad enough. 

“I probably could’ve given you an answer to that without all this drama,” Tendo says after a moment, looking a little apprehensive. Hermann realizes it’s at the lack of response.

“It wasn’t drama,” Hermann says gently. “It was trauma - and I think that was a means of catharsis for you. We hate that these are stories you have to share, but any relief you can get from sharing them is something we are fully behind. Our silence mainly stems from not wishing to say the wrong thing, like claiming we understand.”

Tendo smiles a little. “Appreciated. And it was… I think it helped. Or will help. Right now I’m just kinda…”

He shrugs. Hermann nods. “Do whatever you need to help you feel better,” he says.

Tendo closes his eyes, then sighs quietly and turns to Newt, who immediately wraps him up in his arms. His own tears are still falling, and Hermann knows Tendo’s finally letting himself cry. 

"I'll make tea," Hermann says quietly and stands. "I'll also take my time."

He leaves them to a well needed moment alone. While he and Tendo communicate best through words - getting everything out in the open, like they have here - Tendo and Newt have always used emotions, and for them to cry it out together is the best thing they can do. There’s something so powerful in the way Newt sits there and cries with someone when they’re hurting; Hermann can attest to it firsthand. 

He’s crying himself, standing in the kitchen watching the kettle boil, but that’s okay. He’d be worried if he wasn’t crying after hearing that - because of course he’s always known how it came about, has seen the injuries and the reports and Tendo’s never hidden it; but to hear it from Tendo’s point of view, emotion in every word, makes it much more real. 

His curiosity is satisfied. He wishes it hadn’t come at such a price, but can at least understand that this has helped Tendo finally release some of that tension he’s been holding onto for so long. And, after all, it had been Tendo’s choice to talk today - they’ve had times in the past where the conversation could have turned in this direction, but Tendo’s always stopped it. This was definitely his decision.

Hermann finishes making the tea, but stays for a few minutes longer. While he knows Newt and Tendo wouldn’t object to his presence, it’s helpful for Hermann to have a moment to just breathe as well. He loves Newt dearly, but his natural reflex of going nonverbal as soon as somebody’s upset can make it hard for Hermann to stay in control and keep asking the questions. And it means nothing in the face of Tendo’s hurt, of course, but a moment to just be on his own and try to absorb the conversation is good for Hermann right now. 

As he’s told Tendo, Hermann will never understand what Tendo went through, and selfishly he’s glad about that. But it’s not because he wouldn’t cope with having experienced it - it’s that Hermann can’t handle the idea of knowing how much pain his partner was put through. 

"It's the worst when you cry," Tendo says softly from the doorway. 

Hermann hastily wipes his eyes. "I'm sorry," he says. 

"Oh, no, come on, I swore we were gonna get through this one without any ridiculous apologies."

Hermann has to smile at that - and tactfully doesn’t bring up Tendo’s own ridiculous apology. He holds out his arms and Tendo's in them a heartbeat later. "How are you feeling?" Hermann has to ask. 

"Drained. But... better. I always wondered when we'd get here."

"Have you been wanting to tell us?"

"No," Tendo says immediately. "I can safely say that was something I could have lived without you two ever knowing the details of.”

That worries Hermann a little. "Do you regret telling us?"

Tendo pulls away enough to look Hermann in the eye for a long moment. "No," he says. “And it wasn’t ever about trust, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’ve always trusted you two enough to tell you, I knew you’d never judge or treat me differently. I just needed to reach a point in myself where laying all of this bare wouldn’t make me recede into myself. The memories are always gonna hurt, but I’m stronger than them now and I’m strong enough to talk about it and handle whatever comes next.”

Hermann pulls him back in and holds him tight. His pride is mixed with pain, and he stays silent, letting the quiet comfort hopefully be enough. He knows what _whatever comes next_ means; if there’s going to be more bad days coming out of this, he and Newt will be here to do whatever they can, and that’s what he tries to tell Tendo through his silence.

Hopefully it works. When Tendo breaks free, he smiles a little and kisses Hermann, before picking up two of the mugs. “At least it was you making the tea,” he says as they walk back through. “I just know Newt would’ve drowned it in sugar even though that wasn’t a panic attack.”

“Sugar helps with everything,” Newt informs them as they sit back down. "Though you’re sweet enough without it anyway.”

“So damn corny,” Tendo complains, smiling softly. He puts his mug down and takes each of their hands. “My turn for a question. Can I go back to my therapist?" 

"Sweetheart, you don't need to ask that,” Hermann says. “Of course you can."

"You won't mind? That I can’t - that I need to go to someone else?"

"Hermann and I aren't therapists," Newt says. "We can offer you our love and support, to listen and to give a shoulder to cry on - but we really can't do more than that. If you have things you need to work through in more depth, then your therapist is the best solution. Being in a good relationship does not mean that you shouldn't be allowed to go to professional help. We aren’t here to fix you." 

They don't need to clarify that statement - Tendo doesn't take it as an insult. "Thanks," he says quietly. "Always said you two would be the first to know what happened... how it happened. In detail. But now that I've said it, I need to talk about it more and sort some things out and - and I can't do that here." 

They don’t ask why - that’s Tendo’s business, and his choice to make. “You do whatever you need to," Hermann says. "And do tell us what we can do, if anything, to help."

"Be here," Tendo says quietly. "If this... if it opens up a whole new string of nightmares and bad days and - and... just don't give up on me."

"We never will."

Tendo smiles a little. "And in return, I'll tell you what's going on in the sessions, just so you know where I'm at."

"You don't owe us anything in return, honey," Newt says, "but we appreciate that.”

“Would it help if we attended some sessions with your therapist?” Hermann asks, a little tentatively. “Not at the same time as you, and not so she can pass on any details of course, but so she can perhaps help us… help you? To give us some insight into what we can do when you’re having a bad day?”

Tendo’s smile this time is grateful and a little overwhelmed. “If you’re willing to do that, I can see it doing a lot of good.”

Hermann glances over at Newt, who nods. “Definitely. It’s something we should’ve done earlier, but better late than never."

“You two are seriously the best.”

“That’s good, because you deserve the best.”

Tendo chuckles quietly, then releases their hands to pick up his mug and sip at his tea. They sit in silence for awhile - it’s mostly calm, but there’s still a bit of tension in Tendo’s shoulders and Hermann and Newt wait, patiently, for him to express it. 

Tendo puts his mug back on the table, takes their hands again, and squeezes a little tighter. “There are two things I’ve never talked about in detail,” he says. “That, and the - the rape. Obviously you knew what you had to know but I’ve never talked like… like this. I’ve never let it get emotional. And today I talked about that because it was time to get it out and because it was something you wanted to understand - and because I know you didn’t ask it of me. I shared it of my free will.”

They both nod, but keep quiet.

Tendo sighs. “I’m never gonna talk about the rape,” he says. “I can’t - not like that, not to you two. I’ve talked about it in therapy and I’ll keep doing so but it’s not something I’m willing to discuss in any detail with my partners. I hope you can understand.”

Hermann gently wraps his arms around Tendo, and can feel Newt doing the same. “That is nobody’s decision but yours,” he says. “We will respect, understand, and never push any decision that you make about that.”  

“You need to do what’s gonna help you,” Newt adds. “All we ever need to know is what directly affects our relationship - everything else is your business. We’re not gonna ask or feel like you’re keeping things from us if you don’t talk about it - we’ll just be here at the end of the day to love you, like we always do.” 

Hermann looks over Tendo, raising an eyebrow. “You stayed silent for that whole conversation, then come out with something like that at the end?”

Newt smiles. “You know me, Herms, the strong and silent type.”

“God I love you two,” Tendo says softly. 

“And we love you.”

There’s nothing more to be said. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re not already aware (i.e. don’t follow me on Tumblr), then you should know that this verse is drawing to a close. After this chapter, there’s going to be one, maybe two, more, and then I’m ending it for the foreseeable future. If you’re a reader of ‘give your heart a break’, you’ll know that my headcanons for Tendo have evolved to the point where I cannot see him as a part of this relationship anymore (and not for any lack of love for the triad, or any regrets for how I’ve written them), which makes it very hard to write this with any authenticity. This chapter and the one to follow are ones I began some time ago - this one matters because it ties up loose ends, the other is just plain adorable and a Christmas present and a good note to go out on.
> 
> I do have one more chapter that I’m considering transferring from the Tumblr archive, and I’m giving it away completely by saying it’s a proposal fic, but I have to give it away to ask whether it’s wanted or not. If that’s something you’d like to see to complete this verse, please let me know.


End file.
